Texas Releases New Women Health Pamphlet

Eagerly awaited recipes from Governor Abbott's and Republican Legislatures' own great-grandmothers to cure female problems.

Ladies, have you been feeling a little nauseous in the morning? More tired than usual? Breasts’ tender? Been counting calendar days? Staying up late trying to figure out how to pay for living expenses?

Has the nearby OB/GYN clinic you’ve relied on for years suddenly closed and there isn’t another medical facility staffed with highly competent doctors and nurses for hundreds of miles? Are you now unable to find an affordable place for your yearly examinations, pap smears, and breast examination?

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Has your birth control prescription lapsed or device need replacement? Did your abstinence plan fail? Have you been raped?

Have you, in the height of your reproductive years, begun to notice family, friends--even those not in Texas--neighbors and local ride providers none too keen to be seen with you in public?

If it’s good enough for our women’s past, it’s good enough for their future (new Texas state motto)

Not to worry! We’re thrilled to remind you of a few of your Texan foremothers’ herbal remedies for certain female complaints. A note of caution: For those who are interested in gathering their own, none of the herbs suggested below are actually native to Texas which means you’ll have to travel out-of-state.

Sponsored by The Office of the Governor and Republican State Legislators

[Disclaimer: These recipes are presented as historical information. Government officials take no responsibility for their hellish side-effects and the high morbidity that Texan foremothers endured. Furthermore, all recipes should be followed under a doctor’s supervision, even though none may be around or, if out-of-state, reluctant to help. See sections 171.207, 208, and 211, pages 5 to 8, of state bill S.B. 8. ]

Pennyroyal Steep dried pennyroyal for 5 to 10 minutes in boiling water. Strain the liquid and drink 2-3 times a day.

An ancient recipe, sure to work if you survive the possible side effects: Nausea, numbness in hands and legs, liver, kidney, and bladder irritations and/or failure, debilitating bouts of diarrhea. NEVER use the essential oil which will kill you.

Angelica root Mix 1 tablespoon of angelica POWDER in a glass of warm water. Drink 3 to 4 times a day.

DO NOT USE FRESH ANGELICA ROOT! It is extremely toxic. Also, be extra careful if you are diabetic since the herb raises blood sugar levels.

Black and Red Cohosh Root Brew a teaspoon or two of black cohosh extract in a pot of hot water. In a separate pot, brew an equal amount of Red Cohosh extract. First sip a small amount of the black cohosh followed directly by a sip of the red cohosh. Must be used in this exact order. Repeat until the desired effect is achieved.

Settlers learned about black and red cohosh from Native Americans who used it for a host of ailments unrelated to delayed menstrual cycles. It’s popularity increased throughout the 19th century, especially among slave women. However, it has been linked to a fatal decrease in pulse rate.

Rue Take 1 tablespoon of dried rue and steep it in a pot of boiling water for 5 minutes. Strain and drink once a day. May take up to 2 weeks before seeing any results.

Known side effects, especially if dose is increased: Severe abdominal pain, vomiting, liver and kidney damage, difficulty breathing. Death.