World News, Questionable Recipes, Hot Dogs and Paterson Falls, and a Fine Ukrainian Drink
Introducing the first Saturday News Scraps Newsletter! V1/E1
Welcome to the first edition of America Eats! Saturday Digest
This is probably the worst time to foist on people something as trivial as a discombobulated rag. But the Digest aim is to be amusing and informative, so it will be a much-needed divergence from this messy, heartbreaking world. Here’s hoping it does just that.
The America Eats! Saturday Digest (V1, E1)
Table of Contents:
World News
The Dept. of Questionable Recipes
From the Eavesdropping Office
The Etiquette Corner
Field Trips
The Parting Glass
World News
It is no surprise that there has been a ton of borsch recipes presented this week in support of the Ukrainian people. The recipe from the website Ukrainian People is the one to turn to.
The Dept. of Questionable Recipes
Dennis Lee, the blessedly cracked writer of Food is Stupid, is up there on my list of favorite food people—and right now there are only 10, none of whom you have probably heard of. Lee earns his place because of his bizzarro sense of humor coupled with the deep food expertise he brings to what apparently is a bottomless box of dubious recipes. He makes you want to attempt them but, even if you don’t, you’ll find yourself hungry after reading each installment. Tang Chicken is a fine example.
From the Eavesdropping Office
Supermarket Drama
She looked north of 75—late eighties at least—and, measured against the customer behind her, a rough 4’10”. The following is an edited version of the incident at the cash register. Try to hear a very thick Brooklyn accent and don’t mind the cursing.
Her government supplement food card won’t go through the machine. “Motherfucker!”
She turns it around. “Fuck fuck fuck.”
Cash register woman: “Try turning it around.”
“You think I’m stupid!” She nods back toward the next customer, who is throwing her groceries on the conveyer belt because she’s in a hurry to get back to work. “Why don’t you watch you don’t charge me for her stuff. I’m not paying for her.”
Assured she won’t, she attempts her card again. It goes through. “They don’t make anything easy for you, you know? That’s how all these shitheads get you. ”
She spies the package of chicken breasts the next customer would like to purchase if only her order could start being rung up. “You paying $13.67 for that?! And it’s not even Perdue. You crazy?”
The customer can only smile and is equally appalled, but a son wants chicken burritos for his birthday dinner, so there is no choice but to suck up the price increase.
Finally given her receipt, she slowly scans it and mutters the arithmetic sum. “Don’t I get a free gift card or something for spending so much?”
No, she does not.
“Fuck.”
At a nearby register a posse of firemen from the firetruck parked outside gather their grocery bags.
“OH MY GOD! Look at you!” She grabs the tattooed, club-like bicep of the over 6-foot fireman trying to maneuver around her and her pushcart. “Oh, how I love a fireman. I gotta get a kiss from you.”
His four fellow firemen politely josh him as he bends over to peck her cheek.
“You think you’re getting away?” She yells at the next and won’t budge until they each stoop down and give her son-like kisses.
She turns around to the next customer. “Marry a fireman instead of a policeman. They take their time.” She pauses, winks, then gives the customer a pointedly careful once over. “You’re too old for any of ‘em.”
She begins to navigate her pushcart down the crammed aisle toward the exit. “Fuck outta of my way,” she yells at a man who appears to be dawdling at the exit door.
The cashier rings up the next customer’s $13.67 chicken.
The Etiquette Corner
Or Advice You Didn’t Know You Needed
From the chapter “Manners at the Table” in Etiquette Up-To-Date, by Mrs. Cornelius Beeckman, 1938
Several habits we find so unpleasant in the other person
Not wiping his mouth with his napkin before lifting a glass to his lips, leaving a smeary imprint on the glistening surface.
Hunching over the table, so that his chin almost touches the rim of the plate.
Fork-doodling. . .tracing imaginary pictures on the table cover with the fork or drumming absent-mindedly with the silver.
And—sitting down before the women are all seated or neglecting to draw out the chair for his female neighbor.
Field Trips
Last week it was to Paterson, N.J. My itinerary included staring down into the Passaic Falls whose power helped free America from importing textiles from Europe, and breaking into the crumbling Hinchliff Stadium, the home of baseball’s Negro League’s New York Black Yankees and where the first Black championship game was played in 1933. Libby’s was the final stop to devour one of their famous Texas Weiners, which can only be described as something you have to experience for yourself.
The Parting Glass
Toast the tenaciously fierce Ukrainian people and their president with several glasses of uzvar, one of the country’s most cherished drinks.
1/4 cup dried apples
1/4 cup dried pears
1/4 cup prunes
1/4 cup raisins
8 cups water
3–4 tablespoons honey
Wash dried fruits thoroughly. Put them in a pan and pour water above. Bring the water to a boil and simmer for about an hour. Cool uzvar until warm and then stir in honey. Leave the drink for 3–4 hours to let it infuse.
Bonus Quote of the Week
The sensual intelligence in the tabernacle of my palate beckons me to pay the greatest attention to food.—Salvador Dalí
Thanks!
May be my fav issue of your newsletter yet.