The Infuriating Remorse of a Guilty Stomach

Part II of last week's story in which our sufferer receives a strange diagnosis.

Hi everyone, I apologize for this being so late. My excuse is partly below and the rest to the crowd of tradesmen trying to shore up this creaky little house before it gives up the ghost. America Eats! will be alive and well next Tuesday. Thanks for your patience. All of you are the best!

Last week’s Gut Feeling was supposed to be a one-off, a tribute to the great Mimi Sheraton, the reach of her influence and writing, and her incredible capacity to eat at least four restaurant meals a day. Snuck in at the end was a fair judgement on how the present writer stacked up against her which boiled down to not at all, especially in regards to the woeful stamina of her stomach.

Over the last twenty years or so I’ve been variously diagnosis as suffering from irritable bowel syndrome (IBF), colitis, and GERD. Every birthday cake added another degree of lactose intolerance. Two different and equally vicious parasites generally not seen in developed countries surprised the GI when it became clear the pair hopped inside after drinking contaminated water while reporting on a watermelon festival in Oklahoma. Those guys burrowed into my intestines and would announce their on-going presence just like an Alien baby popping out of my stomach.

I christened him Chester.

A recent test showed a tiny bit of diverticulitis.

None of the regular pharmaceuticals on the market helped. Lately, as Gut revealed, I’ve relied on highly alcoholic bitters and the digestif Fernet-Branca for some relief. Unfortuately they’re very effective but could eventually lead to my family and friends performing an intervention.

Starving and grumpy, I went back to my GI. She announced another diagnosis, functional dyspepsia (FD). The symptons are the same for all the above afflictions except it isn’t irritable bowel syndrome (IBF), colities, Gerd, lactose intolerance, parasites, or diverticulitis. The difference with functional dyspepsia is the symptoms don’t always show up. I can go for months eating huge amounts of rich, fatty, spicy food and feel perfectly fine. Then one day WHAM! I’m knocked out. Often the culprit is tiny, such as the two Oreos cookies that jump started the current situation.

The standard recommendation is to simply learn how to live with the condition (the functional part) by figuring out on your own everything that triggers an episode. Eat moderately, limit diary products, chew like a cow and record every single morsel until they begin to torture you.

After much research, I came upon my favorite definition for dyspepsia: a nameless French writer back in 1862 dubbed it the “remorse of a guilty stomach.”

I asked my doctor how one acquires functional dyspepsia and she listed the five top risk factors:

Being female
Using aspirin and ibuprofen
Smoking
Anxiety and depression
History of childhood physical or sexual abuse

Three were immediately eliminated: I religiously avoid taking aspirin and ibuprofen, have never smoked, and, thankfully, was not physically or sexually abused as a child. That leaves being a female who’s prone to anxiety and depression.

This led to a short screed about what in the hell does the universe have against women? No wonder we’re prone to anxiety and depression! Why does both my sex and mental health have to always be blamed for everything? Why?

The doctor agreed that it is very unfair but women have learned to navigate much worse. Forbearance is key to our lot in life. I have faced worse challenges as a woman with delicate mental health. This should be a piece of cake even if I can’t eat cake anymore.

I decided to spare her how her instructions did not sooth me one bit.

At this point, she shoved across her desk four sample boxes of FDgard, a herbal dietary supplement containing caraway oil and I-Menthol, a chemical found in the mint family. It’s been rigorously studied and tested to be safe and effective. Symptoms should improve within 24 hours and I would find it in my drugstore when I ran out of the samples.

I have no connection to the makers of FDgard nor have stock in the company. So I can honestly report that within 24 hours of taking my first dose my acute pain was gone. Despite the biblical amount of rain falling outside, it was a most glorious afternoon plotting what to cook for dinner for the first time in months. There wouldn’t be light soup, baked potatoes, or rice. Bananas were banned from dessert. How lucky I was to have reached a convalescent stage and regained a sliver of ability and flexibility to once more taste something beyond the bland fare of the sick room! It’s a rush, an utter rush of gratitude for once more being on the other side.

My husband, too, felt the rush and found himself once again anticipating a good meal.

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P.S. The only knock against FDgard is how expensive it is in comparision to every other stomach treatment on the market. A one month supply costs around $60 and it’s not covered by insurance. That may not sound like a lot but it surely is for many fellow functional dyspepsias. My samples ran out in four days. Discomfort returned the following morning. A thorough combing through national chains and local pharmacies in my neighborhood and the next proved fruitless. Look online instead. Walmart is the cheapest.