Pie Smashing Fun

A high-spirited summer distraction, with a demonstration by the writer.

Mid-summer can be a very fragile time. Autumn is almost around the corner and all the hopes and plans you made in winter and spring may not be panning out as you had hoped. The grand fun and rest we longed for is either behind us or feels too far away. Road conditions and traffic congestion are iffy. Air travel is a crap-shoot. Weather’s been very unkind to us all. The Olympics are a bright spot and we’re getting a sense of what baseball teams may make it to the World Series. But the history-making what the hell state of this election season is very disconcerting. No wonder we’re all feeling less than relaxed heading into summer’s homestretch.

Well, I have a very good suggestion that will simulatanesously be cathartic and fun.

Throw a pie.

Don’t be horrified, fraught as it may seem with the perception of violence. I’m not advocating that at all. But hear me out. Historically, yes, pie throwing is an honorable way to register vexation and protest. Its beginnings, after all, concerned some bakers who felt compelled to pummel their king with the day’s pastries. One should not begin to consider going down that road. Steer clear of the humorless, litigious, and those who travel with bodyguards.

I’m referring here to the comic aspects of pie throwing. Embrace its absurdity and aim for good-natured men, women, and teenagers who are willing participants. Keep this to an equal opportunity event and be sure everyone has access to their own pies.

2023 World Custard Pie Throwing Championships

Let’s consider the pie, itself. Summer calls to mind light custards and cream pies, the fluffier the better. It’s also high season for fruit pies but they will stain clothing and ruin all the fun. Two-crusted and nut based pies are out, too, because they smash too hard. A graham cracker crust is sometimes a clown favorite but they tend to crumble while being thrown. For obvious reasons, bake the pie in an aluminum pan instead of a dish. You don’t want to break your pretty pie pan nor the recipient’s nose. If you want to have a pie throwing party, follow what comics do and save money by using nothing but whipped or shaving cream.

As for technique, remember this is not baseball. No 90 mile an hour pitches. You want a soft landing but with enough oomph for a decent splatter.

I feel a demonstration is in order so I just interrupted whatever my husband was doing and asked him to help me out. I had thought of him as the target but he puts up with a lot from me.

“I need you to throw a pie at me.”

“A what?” he asked with a mixture of concern and troubling enthusiasm.

“Throw a pie in my face.”

“I’ll be right down.”

For this purpose I had purchased a small lemon meringue tart from the local bakery. I would have made my own pie but it’s hot, I’m out of eggs and lemons, and this was a spur of the moment idea.

My husband met me in the garden and positioned himself about 20 yards away from me and aimed.

Thus, I give you, the video of my husband smashing a pie into my face . . . .

I must say he showed very good form with a clear bull’s-eye landing. For good measure, he leaned in close and smeared the rest of the filling all around. Lots of it stuck and clogged my eyes and nose until it began to slide down my face, onto my dress, and eventually plopped on my feet and the nearby blueberry bush. Our neighbor looked through the fence to find out what all the hysterical laughing was about. As usual, it just reenforced her opinion that we’re nuts.

Try it! It’s truly entertaining and will make your summer memorable.

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Perfect Pie Throwing Pie Recipe

There’s some evidence that comics favored banana cream pies, maybe because the chunks of banana added another level of hilarity to the act. The following recipe was given to me by the most senior waitress at one of the diners that got me through college.

Betty’s Banana Cream Pie

Baked 9” pie shell
1/3 cup sifted flour
2/3 cup sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 cups milk, scalded
3 yolks
1/4 cup butter sliced into tablespoon-size pieces
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 medium peeled firm bananas
Meringue made from your favorite recipe, using the 3 egg whites

Preheat over to 350 degrees.

Combine flour, sugar, and salt in a medium-size saucepan. Slowly blend in the scalded milk. Cook, stirring constantly, over medium heat until mixture thickens and boils. Continue cooking and stirring for 1 minute more. Remove from heat.

Beat the egg yolks until frothy. Slowly add a little of hot mixture, beating it to stop it from cooking the eggs. Beat in the rest of the mixture and pour back into the saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly for about 3 minutes or so until the filling begins to thicken and slightly mounds.

Remove from heat and begin to add the butter, a slice at a time. Make sure each piece is fully melted before adding another. Stir in the vanilla. Set aside the filling to completely cool. Tip: A quick way to cool the filling is to place the saucepan in the freezer while making the meringue.

Prepare the meringue and set aside.

Slice the banana and arrange them around the bottom of the prepared pie crust. Pour in the filling and gently jiggle the pan to evenly distribute it across the banana slices.

Spoon the meringue across the filling, making sure it touches the edges of the crust all around. Create peaks with the back of the spoon.

Place in the preheated oven and bake until the filling is set and the meringue's peaks are a nice brown, about 45 minutes or so.

Completely cool the pie before serving. Dipping your knife into warm water before slicing it will help cut cleanly in the meringue.

Enjoy!